I'm a waitress, not a doctor.

I really hate when people feel the need to justify their orders to me by recounting their entire medical history. "I'm eating light because I've had diarrhea all day." "I had to go get bloodwork done today so I need to get my sugar up."
If it's not an allergy that you're alerting me about so I know to keep the garlic off your plate, I don't need to know and I really don't care.


My first TWO tables did this to me yesterday, back to back. Husband and wife come in, wife feels the need to expand on every interaction in the ordering process. "I'd really like to get a soup, but it would fill me up too much." "I wish I could eat anything I wanted like I was younger, that cheesecake sounds soooo gooood!" Etc.
The crowning moment was when her husband ordered an extra side of gravy, which is not out of the ordinary at all. But she felt the need to tell me "not to forget it, he needs a lot of gravy because he doesn't produce saliva." What? Is that a thing? And regardless, why did I need to be informed? I was going to bring you the gravy.

The second did the same thing, not to the same extent. She just spent five minutes explaining to me why she needed to replace her french fries with onion rings, because she was diabetic and couldn't have potatoes.

I understand wanting to make conversation, but there's a line, my dudes.

I should have known when...

When do you know the table just sat in your section is going to be trouble? At first glance? When they talk and reveal their accents or manner of speaking? When they ask if the refills are free?

I've mentioned the high amounts of truckers we get at my establishment. We roll our eyes when we see the truck pull in, but it's kind of a 50/50 on how terrible it's going to be. At best, we get a shitty tip, but we're used to it. At worst, they are rude, condescending, entitled, inappropriate, etc.
I had two yesterday. I should have known when one, looking at the page that says DINNER SPECIALS, pointed to an item and asked if it was a special. Uhhh... yeah?

Anyway, the rest of the meal was uneventful. I checked back at least twice, refilled drinks, they said everything was finefinefine. Then they go to pay and complain. "That was the worst meal I ever had. The coating on my fried shrimp was too thick and tough." "Well, why didn't you say anything to Blondie?" "Well, we figured we'd just suck it up, but I thought I'd let you know."

Then left me A DOLLAR. Because obviously it's my fault that you didn't like your food, and it's also my fault that you didn't say anything when I checked on you.

One of these days my eyes are going to roll right out of my head, I swear.

Update.

A week or so ago, I wrote about the truck driver that complained I hadn't taken care of him.
He came in last week (I wasn't there) and apologized to the hostess! He told her, "I was out of line, I'm sorry if I was rude," etc. I was super surprised and really not expecting that.

I guess there is some good left in this world! Or someone told him he was a dick.

Nosy Rosie.

When you go out with a member of the opposite sex who pays for you, do you check the tip if you have a chance to do so surreptitiously? Does it affect your opinion of them? Would you call someone out on a really bad tip?

I went out for drinks with a boy the other night and he paid the check while I was in the bathroom, which I thought was sweet (and I hope it didn't look like I timed it cause I just really had to pee), and then he went to the men's room before we left and I looked in the checkbook. It was like, 40%! I don't know if he expected me to look and wanted to impress me or what, but it certainly worked!

Sorry, I haven't been brushing up on my ESP.

So on Mondays, I'm by myself for two hours. It's normally fine, I can handle a lot.
At the time, I have a three-top, a deuce, two singles, and I had just gotten a big to-go. I make sure all my sitting tables are served and happy, and I go about wrapping up the to-go, getting all the accoutrements, adding the check, whatever.
One of my single guys around the corner comes up to the register and angrily demands his check. He had a small bill and I did it in my head and told the hostess, as my to-go had just come in and I had a few more things to put together. I hear the customer and hostess having a bit of a heated conversation, so after he left I asked what the hell this one's problem was. We get a lot of truck drivers from New Century and they are almost always rude and cheap, entitled 'regulars.'
Apparently the conversation went like this:

Customer: I guess coffee is a hot commodity around here, I only got one cup.
(Keep in mind I asked if he needed anything when I delivered his food, and did the necessary check-back)
Hostess: Well, why didn't you ask for another cup?
Customer: I shouldn't HAVE to. The service was lacking a bit today.
(wtf?)
Hostess: We don't know what you want unless you ask, sir. And as you can see, she's a little busy.
Customer: Busy? There's four tables here!
Hostess: She's by herself and is also doing a big to-go.
Customer: She doesn't look THAT busy.
Hostess: Well, she is. She's wrapping up a big to-go right now, and they take time. You know, I really don't have to explain it to you.
Customer: Well, I'll be back to talk to the OWNER.
Me/Hostess: Have a great day!

Oooookay dude.

Damnit, Christmas.

At least once a year around this time, I get a table that pays with a gift card - doesn't take a cent out of their wallet for the lovely meal and service I have provided them with. Seriously, this bitch is bubbly as hell and I try and make you happy, I do.
And THEN, the douchebags don't take a cent out of their wallet for a tip. I will remember you, middle-aged couple. I will remember your faces, and I will be cold to you next time you come in.

A very stark contrast, two weeks ago I had a deuce who did it RIGHT. A table in my station slipped me a twenty and said, "please put that toward that couple's bill, try and wait until we leave."
So I did. As I dropped the check, I pulled out the twenty and told them someone wanted to pay for some of their meal. They were flattered and excited, and tipped me a ten on a not-quite-thirty-dollar tab.  It was a pleasant surprise for this jaded little waitress.

Back to work..

Vacation was lovely. We had dinner in the Eiffel Tower, visited 16 casinos, went on the roller coaster, met the Thunder Down Under, had fancy cocktails and extravagant dinners.

Now... back to reality. Taking orders, pretending to care how you're doing today, getting shitty tips, and doing sidework. Ugh.

Happy Holidays, y'all!

I don't care what you celebrate, or what you don't.
But your server appreciates your holiday thoughts - be it a big tip, a card, a candle, what have you.
I've gotten some pretty generous tips the past few days, candy, etc. Obviously I don't mind the extra money if that's what it is, but I honestly always feel honored when a customers thinks of me on their own time.

That said, enjoy this time with your family and friends! Blondie will be in Vegas with Mama Blondie, which I hear is beautifully decorated this time of year! I love all you, Dear Readers.

Rude 'tude.

Here on the East Coast, we're getting some chilly weather lately.
Of course, that means colds, flus, what have you. I myself have been a little sneezy and my mother (a teacher) says a lot of her kids are going home sick.

Our hostess/manager tonight got a sneezing fit tonight and walked out into the foyer (we have a set of doors, a foyer, then the doors that actually lead into the restaurant). As she did so, a customer came in and she ran back towards the end of the counter to wait it out. So I grab a menu and say to the lady, "Hi, one this evening?"
"Wow, she saw me coming and didn't even hold the door!"
"Uhm.... ma'am, she's currently sneezing."
"Well, THAT'S no excuse."
"....Oookay, I'm going to seat you right over here."

Isn't it? Isn't it though? You would rather have someone sneeze in your face in order to hold the door for your royal ass, than try and get away quickly? How self-entitled do you have to be?

All this after I had to spend five minutes explaining what chicken fingers were to someone... maybe a full moon?

Happy Turkey Day!

Thank you so much, Dear Reader, for staying loyal.
I feel like I have stories, but I just do not have the time! Bear with your little Anthropology major, she'll be Indiana Jones soon enough!

I hope everyone had a lovely holiday, and I am truly thankful for all of you!