Friday, August 12, 2011


I have been up since 5 and I have work at 9.
For some reason, I'm just absolutely DREADING these exchanges:

"Something to drink?"
"A shot and a beer!"
We don't serve alcohol at my restaurant.
"Sorry, sir, I drank the last of it when I saw you coming in and knew it was my turn."

"How would you like that burger cooked?"
"Well, on the grill, of course!"
"Oh, I was thinking if I stared at it and hoped long enough, it would come out medium-well."

"Can I get you anything else today?"
"A stack of fifties!" "A few hundreds!" "Someone to pay the bill!" etc, etc.
"If I had any of those things, do you think I'd be serving y'all's asses right now?"

"Here's your check whenever you're ready."
"Oh, we didn't want that!" "It's not on you today?" "Oh, I guess I'll have to head in the back to wash dishes!"
"I don't give a damn who pays it. Just pay it, tip me, and get the fuck out of my station."

"Do you know what you'd like to have?"
"Food! HAHAHAH."
"In that case, I'll give you an extra helping of my earwax. I mean... that's food, right?"

I mean, if you say the SAME things EVERY time you go into ANY restaurant, can you really and truly think you're being original?

The only original (but still not amusing) thing I've heard recently was:
"Do you guys need a minute?"
"Why, are you giving them away?"


  1. Do you give the 100 mile stare? I ceased to laugh after the third or fourth time hearing these, even at the expense of a tip. I would just stand there and stare at them. Especially the "We don't want that! [the check]" Lordy, why do they think they are funny?

  2. When I was in high school, I used to work for a pharmacy. I was required by law to ask people if they had questions for the pharmacist regarding their meds when I rang them up. You can imagine the originality that passed through my ears.

    'Do you have any questions for the pharmacist?'
    'Yeah, what's the winning lotto number?'

    If I'd known then how much that would prepare me for waitressing....